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Literature Text
There are words I don't recognize
on the walls of my contentment.
I'm not sure what language they're in
or who wrote them, but I do know
that they say something about surrender.
I've given up more times
than I've given anything else.
That’s how you found me. Curled up,
knees to my chest, trembling. And you
in your good nature mistook my weakness
for prayer.
on the walls of my contentment.
I'm not sure what language they're in
or who wrote them, but I do know
that they say something about surrender.
I've given up more times
than I've given anything else.
That’s how you found me. Curled up,
knees to my chest, trembling. And you
in your good nature mistook my weakness
for prayer.
Literature
The End Of Surrender
Flop forward into this half-life,
fall for me. Let the roads be easy
and let the easy be. It's all you can hope for
when the sun's past the years
and hope has half drained away.
So come on and fall. In this half-light
you almost look tall. Your calves
like pale aliens, a waxing tide.
Come on down over to my side
to where the steady wet has come.
It's a long time since we were set in stone.
It's a long time until we're undone.
Literature
Fallen
When I was little, I held my hands up
and there was always a bigger pair
there to pick me up, raise me up
Dark and cold both accumulate near the ground
but I had found
a path to heaven, now forgotten
as the earth turns 'round;
So overcome by confusion, how...?
I can't cast my demons out
one devil still pulls me down
off the earth and off my gentle cloud
I lay upon the ground,
bloodied, broken, beaten down
and lament my fate, silenced now
He recalls his immoralities as if
they were someone else's little slips
and though his words have scarred me
much deeper than any knife or whip
he parades through town, a man, a god
going on about life as
Literature
The Sins of The Father
I’m the sum of all my fathers
But I won’t carry all their sins
The seed of life is precious
But blown away by gentle winds
Bad that’s happened in the past
Cannot be blamed today
For those who came before us
Have left their mark but gone away
We may inherit family features
And some traits just carry on
But we are all individuals who
Need to know that we belong
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This is an older poem I think I had on here but I made some slight changes and wanted to get some more feedback.
As always, comments and concerns are highly encouraged and insanely appreciated!
Specific questions for critique:
1) Does breaking the "I've given up...anything else" into it's own stanza add a bigger punch? It was previously part of the first stanza?
2) Should the second stanza even exist? Is it effective?
3) Does this elicit any sort of emotional response?
4) Lastly, your own comments/critiques/concerns. I find these are often most helpful.
As always, comments and concerns are highly encouraged and insanely appreciated!
Specific questions for critique:
1) Does breaking the "I've given up...anything else" into it's own stanza add a bigger punch? It was previously part of the first stanza?
2) Should the second stanza even exist? Is it effective?
3) Does this elicit any sort of emotional response?
4) Lastly, your own comments/critiques/concerns. I find these are often most helpful.
© 2014 - 2024 MattVoscinar
Comments7
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Overall Vision Originality
Technique ImpactHey there,
Prettyflour here on behalf of <img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/p/o/p…" alt="
" title="PoeticalCondition" /> with the critique you requested.I’ll start by answering your questions.
1. Does breaking the “I’ve given up…anything else” into its own stanza add a bigger punch? Yes, most definitely! I reread the poem- including it with the first stanza and I think you made a great choice in making it separate. I find it to be more emotional the way it is now.
2. Should the second stanza even exist? YES! I think it gives more meaning to Surrender. Is it effective? Yes, I believe it’s very effective. I think the poem would lose much if its strength without it.
3. Does this elicit any sort of emotional response? It sure does. The second stanza gave me a hint of emotion- and makes it relatable. The third stanza was what I found to be the most emotional. Curled up…trembling… that coupled with the second stanza makes for an emotional read.
I very much enjoyed this. It is short, but powerful, emotional and lives up to its title perfectly.
Thank you for sharing your words!