literature

Burning

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MattVoscinar's avatar
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Published:
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Literature Text

We burned the book on the gray steps
of your back porch. When your father
came home, I hid –
he found me sweeping up the ashes.

Sunday morning came to pass
and the cross above your bed
hung crooked. I wondered
if you’d ever fix it.
You took it down instead.
This is my entry for the #skinnywords contest.

Criqitue for :iconthewrittenrevolution: thewrittenrevolution.deviantar…

a. I feel as this poem is missing something? What connections would you like to see in order to bring these two sections together, if any?
b. Are the few images within the poem strong enough?
c. Is the story compelling enough?
d. Is there anything you want more or less of?
e. Any other comments you'd like to make?
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Comments11
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mjponso's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

I'm from #TheCritiquables putting in my two cents' worth on this piece:

It took me a few seconds to make sense of what was going on, but I reached a conclusion about what the book must've been. Assuming this conclusion is correct, I do see the connection between the two paragraphs, but I agree that it feels like something is missing.

First it talks about burning a book (the Bible, most likely) outside the home of a family who clearly didn't approve of the gesture. I observe that the poem says "your father," and so I picture the two unspoken characters to be two teenagers rebelling against the traditions of the one teen's family. It was done in the presence of only these two characters, as if symbolizing a pact in secret.

The second stanza seems to build upon the first. Again, the cross hanging above "your" bed reiterates the Christian values in which the one character was raised, but the fact that it's crooked symbolizes (to me) the fact that these values never sat right with the character, especially when I consider "I wondered if you'd ever fix it." Taking the cross down seemed to be the culmination of this rebellion, a clearly visible sign that the character will no longer live under the Christian doctrine.

I give you points for impact, though I'm not so sure about the technique. I can't seem to find any pattern in the line breaks, but then again, I personally use a fixed-length structure in most of my writing so maybe I just can't see it.