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Literature Text
We burned the book on the gray steps
of your back porch. When your father
came home, I hid –
he found me sweeping up the ashes.
Sunday morning came to pass
and the cross above your bed
hung crooked. I wondered
if you’d ever fix it.
You took it down instead.
of your back porch. When your father
came home, I hid –
he found me sweeping up the ashes.
Sunday morning came to pass
and the cross above your bed
hung crooked. I wondered
if you’d ever fix it.
You took it down instead.
Literature
comatose.
i never told you:
i hated the way you smelled
like winter, like
fog or listerine or
something long forgotten.
i guess i miss you the way
i miss brooklyn,
all thirsty for a song
i've never heard, pining for
a place i've never been.
homesick.
--
i never told you:
i keep your old promises all tucked up inside,
like bruises sleeping fallow
along my hipbones.
i promise i'll love you always, i promise
i'll fix the coffee machine tomorrow,
and if you let me,
i'll fix you
well, you never were a fixer.
what you are is tired, and you never understood
why this fucked-up little town
unmade its bed, swallowed an
Literature
Heim
At first the empty parking lot
and those rebellious grasses
reminded me of summer outside Reykjavik,
where the sun only bowed its head
at one in the morning.
Wasteful, I thought,
putting the world in your mouth
and allowing it to be bitter.
But just take a moment to remember:
the time on the radio
the sounds of your name
we can travel north without a compass
watch everyone yearn
like trying on clothes
all part of this fat
exposed
love
and people like
you and me
should be able to see this
picking bananas
at the equator
but I know
we will sit here, in your car
laughing
until one of us is okay to drive.
Literature
Winter's Words
"Be my autumn,"
she was whispering
when her eyes found you
tracing in the dust
of ethereal dreams.
If only she knew...
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This is my entry for the #skinnywords contest.
Criqitue for thewrittenrevolution.deviantar…
a. I feel as this poem is missing something? What connections would you like to see in order to bring these two sections together, if any?
b. Are the few images within the poem strong enough?
c. Is the story compelling enough?
d. Is there anything you want more or less of?
e. Any other comments you'd like to make?
Criqitue for thewrittenrevolution.deviantar…
a. I feel as this poem is missing something? What connections would you like to see in order to bring these two sections together, if any?
b. Are the few images within the poem strong enough?
c. Is the story compelling enough?
d. Is there anything you want more or less of?
e. Any other comments you'd like to make?
© 2013 - 2024 MattVoscinar
Comments11
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Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
I'm from #TheCritiquables putting in my two cents' worth on this piece:
It took me a few seconds to make sense of what was going on, but I reached a conclusion about what the book must've been. Assuming this conclusion is correct, I do see the connection between the two paragraphs, but I agree that it feels like something is missing.
First it talks about burning a book (the Bible, most likely) outside the home of a family who clearly didn't approve of the gesture. I observe that the poem says "your father," and so I picture the two unspoken characters to be two teenagers rebelling against the traditions of the one teen's family. It was done in the presence of only these two characters, as if symbolizing a pact in secret.
The second stanza seems to build upon the first. Again, the cross hanging above "your" bed reiterates the Christian values in which the one character was raised, but the fact that it's crooked symbolizes (to me) the fact that these values never sat right with the character, especially when I consider "I wondered if you'd ever fix it." Taking the cross down seemed to be the culmination of this rebellion, a clearly visible sign that the character will no longer live under the Christian doctrine.
I give you points for impact, though I'm not so sure about the technique. I can't seem to find any pattern in the line breaks, but then again, I personally use a fixed-length structure in most of my writing so maybe I just can't see it.