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Literature by pomohippie7

Poetry by penguinsCrazy08


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Submitted on
April 9
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There are words I don't recognize
on the walls of my contentment.
I'm not sure what language they're in
or who wrote them, but I do know
that they say something about surrender.

I've given up more times
than I've given anything else.

That’s how you found me. Curled up,
knees to my chest, trembling. And you
in your good nature mistook my weakness
for prayer.
This is an older poem I think I had on here but I made some slight changes and wanted to get some more feedback.

As always, comments and concerns are highly encouraged and insanely appreciated!

Specific questions for critique:
1) Does breaking the "I've given up...anything else" into it's own stanza add a bigger punch? It was previously part of the first stanza?
2) Should the second stanza even exist? Is it effective?
3) Does this elicit any sort of emotional response?
4) Lastly, your own comments/critiques/concerns. I find these are often most helpful.
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:iconthe-name-of-nothings:
1) yes it's my favourite part it has so much meaning and gives the next bit so much meaning you should definitely keep it separate as it makes it stand out more so people think about it more deeply .if this this was not on its own it would not get e meaning across .
2) you should keep it.the last stanza would be rubbish whilst this line
3)yes it definitely dose but the last stanza should be the most effective part of the poem so you could definitely improve that bit by talking about the reader less and saying something like"that's how everyone finds me curled up... ...mistook my weakness as a call for help"
4) I really liked the poem it's just that the last bit was a little bit of a let down for the rest but I really liked it
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconprettyflour:
Hey there,

Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

I’ll start by answering your questions.
1. Does breaking the “I’ve given up…anything else” into its own stanza add a bigger punch? Yes, most definitely! I reread the poem- including it with the first stanza and I think you made a great choice in making it separate. I find it to be more emotional the way it is now.
2. Should the second stanza even exist? YES! I think it gives more meaning to Surrender. Is it effective? Yes, I believe it’s very effective. I think the poem would lose much if its strength without it.
3. Does this elicit any sort of emotional response? It sure does. The second stanza gave me a hint of emotion- and makes it relatable. The third stanza was what I found to be the most emotional. Curled up…trembling… that coupled with the second stanza makes for an emotional read.
I very much enjoyed this. It is short, but powerful, emotional and lives up to its title perfectly.
Thank you for sharing your words!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hello! This amazing work has been featured here: ladyofsilver.deviantart.com/jo…
I hope you don't mind!
Have a nice day!
Reply
:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Student Writer
Of course not! Thank you!
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:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure! :)
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:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014  Professional Writer
Hi, Sean here from We-Poets stopping by because you requested a critique for this.

that they say something about surrender.
***The word "that" can almost always be eliminated and still have the same meaning, and I'd suggest removing it here.

Powerful poem!  So filled with meaning, and beautiful!

To your specific questions:

1) It works.
2) It all works!
3) Yes!
4) Well done! :D

Sean
Reply
:iconmarcdaartist:
MarcDaArtist Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Masterfully written, sir. Kudos.:-) 
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