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Evening News

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MattVoscinar

Published: May 17, 2014

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Literature Text

We worked our tired eyes
over photographed faces blurred
by movement and light.

We imagined they were laughing,
their mouths open, inviting
breath to come inside.

We couldn’t know their voices,
so much like ours (hushed whispers)
pleading for help on the other side.

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The news is fun stuff.

As always, your comments and critiques are invaluable to me!

Critique for TheWrittenRevolution: thewrittenrevolution.deviantar…

Questions for Critique

1) Are the transitions between the second and third stanzas too jarring?
2) Do you think more needs to be added in order to add impact to this piece?
3) Us there anything you would add?
4) Any general comments/critiques for this one?

Comments6

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prettyflour

Sep 16, 2014

Hey there,

on behalf of with the critique you requested.

I'd like to start by answering your questions. 1. Are the transitions between the second and third stanzas too jarring? No, not at all. You used 'We' at the start of every stanza, which was great to tie each stanza together. I didn't find the transition jarring at all.

2. Do you think more needs to be added in order to add impact to this piece? NO! I think between the context and the title- I completely get it, and the I enjoy the brevity.

3/4. anything you would add? Any general comments/critiques for this one? I have to say, kudos for taking Sean's advise (from We-Poets) about those pesky syllables- it so important to maintain the flow of any poem. I particularly enjoyed the imagery, especially: over photographed faces blurred and their mouths open, inviting

Well done, my friend. This is going in my favs for sure.

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