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Submitted on
May 17
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We slept in different states
of mind, the distance between
our bodies made of mountains—
sweat stained sheets and beaten pillows
and heavy air.

We held our breath
as if there was only so much
that could invade our lungs
and come out in words.
Had the first line of this poem in my brain for quite some time and finally think I got something decent out of it.

As always, your comments and critiques are invaluable to me.

Critique for TheWrittenRevolution: thewrittenrevolution.deviantar…

Questions for Critique:
1) Does the second stanza add enough to the poem to warrant it being there?
2) Does the imagery in the first stanza work?
3) Is there anything you would add?
4) Is there anything you would remove?
5) Any other general comments you have?
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2014-05-31
Distance by MattVoscinar  From the suggester: "I can't stop coming back to this powerfully short poem." ( Suggested by Nichrysalis and Featured by IrrevocableFate )
:iconmyloveforyoueternity:
1, Yes the second stanza does add enough, I love how it says "that could invade our lungs and come out in words" It adds depth and meaning to the poem which makes it really unique and strong for those to read.
2. Yes the imagery in the first stanza works, it flows really nice and has a nice meaning to it. It shows how we are far apart, it feels this is about love and how someone is distance from you but you are always beside each other even though far apart.
3. Not that I can think of, maybe add a bit more detail to it so others that don't understand knows what going on. Maybe add another stanza. But all in all I think this is an amazing poem!
4. Nope I think you made it perfectly clear what this is about.
5. I believe this is an amazing piece, the vision is very clear, and the originality is definitely outstanding. Technique you could probably adjust it a bit more, add some punctuation maybe another stanza, but other then that its good :) and the Impact I believe it would sorta have an impact of others.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:icontommyboywood:
tommyboywood Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
The second line is a bit jarring.  As worded, it would suggest that it was the bodies that were  made of mountains (??), or if the distance is what is referred to then perhaps simply adding the word "is" would help clarify.  Also the dash seems out of place.  A semi-colon would seem more appropriate.  The imagery in general works decently
Reply
:iconlollirotcat:
lollirotcat Featured By Owner May 31, 2014  Student Writer
Love this! Congrats on the DD! :D
Reply
:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thanks, Luz! 

I just logged on after a few days on not being on here and found out myself. I'm in shock. 
Reply
:iconlollirotcat:
lollirotcat Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014  Student Writer
You're welcome!
lol sounds like a nice surprise :)
Reply
:iconkairanakune:
KairaNakune Featured By Owner May 31, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This touches my heart right now because of whats going on in my life. So beautiful 
Reply
:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014  Student Writer
I'm happy that my work can relate to real life situations. Thank you!
Reply
:iconkairanakune:
KairaNakune Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Indeed. I have a long distance relationship going on right now so its legitimately perfection 
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner May 31, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
I’m very happy for you!!! :iconloveloveplz: :tighthug:
Reply
:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014  Student Writer
You're far too kind!
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:iconflyingheartsplz::iconsweethugplz::iconflyingheartsplz:
Reply
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