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Literature Text
We burned the book on the gray steps
of your back porch. When your father
came home, I hid –
he found me sweeping up the ashes.
Sunday morning came to pass
and the cross above your bed
hung crooked. I wondered
if you’d ever fix it.
You took it down instead.
of your back porch. When your father
came home, I hid –
he found me sweeping up the ashes.
Sunday morning came to pass
and the cross above your bed
hung crooked. I wondered
if you’d ever fix it.
You took it down instead.
Literature
Nothing
I used to be lightning.
Power surged beneath my skin,
and in the silence, I heard myself thrum.
I used to be fire.
I burned bright inside, stellar lungs,
and in the cold, I sang myself warm.
Still and dark.
My stone sinews crack.
I am vacuum, deep void of space.
Asteroid dust, floating.
Aimless.
Impotent.
I freeze.
Literature
Winter's Words
"Be my autumn,"
she was whispering
when her eyes found you
tracing in the dust
of ethereal dreams.
If only she knew...
Literature
Autumn Autopsy
As lovers,
we were reckless;
Children
chasing fireflies
in a field of mines.
We traded kisses
and carefree caresses
for shrapnel
and blackened skin.
Short moments
stolen pawned
at the cost
of darker afternoons,
the twilight
of the dying season;
We didn't ask,
we never questioned
the interest
of our expenditures.
I shed my skin
in the Autumn of youth,
peeled back
the viscera and
bared the bone --
Rising up,
a scarecrow of worms
and raw meat,
amongst the stalks
of reddened corn.
Tonight
she clings
to dusty artifacts,
shelved trinkets
and
wrinkled sheets
laden with memories
of decaying potency;
The wisps
rising from the cooling wick
will neve
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This is my entry for the #skinnywords contest.
Criqitue for thewrittenrevolution.deviantar…
a. I feel as this poem is missing something? What connections would you like to see in order to bring these two sections together, if any?
b. Are the few images within the poem strong enough?
c. Is the story compelling enough?
d. Is there anything you want more or less of?
e. Any other comments you'd like to make?
Criqitue for thewrittenrevolution.deviantar…
a. I feel as this poem is missing something? What connections would you like to see in order to bring these two sections together, if any?
b. Are the few images within the poem strong enough?
c. Is the story compelling enough?
d. Is there anything you want more or less of?
e. Any other comments you'd like to make?
© 2013 - 2024 MattVoscinar
Comments11
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Overall
Vision
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Technique
Impact
I'm from #TheCritiquables putting in my two cents' worth on this piece:
It took me a few seconds to make sense of what was going on, but I reached a conclusion about what the book must've been. Assuming this conclusion is correct, I do see the connection between the two paragraphs, but I agree that it feels like something is missing.
First it talks about burning a book (the Bible, most likely) outside the home of a family who clearly didn't approve of the gesture. I observe that the poem says "your father," and so I picture the two unspoken characters to be two teenagers rebelling against the traditions of the one teen's family. It was done in the presence of only these two characters, as if symbolizing a pact in secret.
The second stanza seems to build upon the first. Again, the cross hanging above "your" bed reiterates the Christian values in which the one character was raised, but the fact that it's crooked symbolizes (to me) the fact that these values never sat right with the character, especially when I consider "I wondered if you'd ever fix it." Taking the cross down seemed to be the culmination of this rebellion, a clearly visible sign that the character will no longer live under the Christian doctrine.
I give you points for impact, though I'm not so sure about the technique. I can't seem to find any pattern in the line breaks, but then again, I personally use a fixed-length structure in most of my writing so maybe I just can't see it.