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Literature
Human civilisation is...
...castle of glass
Literature
consecrate
authenticity an arsenic
in morning coffee, in the smiles
pressed like ironed laundry,
because I feel like one wrong breath,
one wrong kiss between glossed lips and soft jaws
and I will be nailed to a cross
deception a shame rising like steam,
where teeth grind against each other
like clockwork gears, tick tick ticking
while the tongue kisses the roof of its cathedral
like a prayer to gods yet to be named
because her face is a mosaic window
shining the sin out of love
Literature
The End Of Surrender
Flop forward into this half-life,
fall for me. Let the roads be easy
and let the easy be. It's all you can hope for
when the sun's past the years
and hope has half drained away.
So come on and fall. In this half-light
you almost look tall. Your calves
like pale aliens, a waxing tide.
Come on down over to my side
to where the steady wet has come.
It's a long time since we were set in stone.
It's a long time until we're undone.
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Trying to get my thoughts together on the idea of individualism as a moral determinate.
Critique Questions:
1) How is the imagery working here?
2) Does the idea of self-centered thinking create a clear enough cause for the last stanza?
3) Is the idea of self-centered thinking strong enough in general?
4) Is there anything I should add?
5) Is there anything I should remove?
6) What is your overall view on the piece?
Critique Questions:
1) How is the imagery working here?
2) Does the idea of self-centered thinking create a clear enough cause for the last stanza?
3) Is the idea of self-centered thinking strong enough in general?
4) Is there anything I should add?
5) Is there anything I should remove?
6) What is your overall view on the piece?
Mature
© 2014 - 2024 MattVoscinar
Comments2
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Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
With regards to the theme, I think the idea of self-centered thinking was pretty abundantly clear even before reading your critique questions. In this sense it's successful. However, I do think that some refinements could be made in terms of the overall flow of the piece.
Before going into that, though, I think that this piece features some really choice wording and symbolism. It's just the perfect amount of allusion without being needlessly mysterious, and just the right number of different images without being muddled. I particularly liked the second stanza; the wordplay was astounding to me. The other standout to me was the repetitious section in the second-to-last stanza. The first two "worshiped" employed the American spelling, but then the last one employed the British "worshipped", as if suddenly we had become what we sought to distance ourselves from in the first place. It's a subtle twist that I liked immensely, not to mention that the "unholy trinity" trope was used well with great force.
Now, some suggestions. I didn't quite like how that second-to-last stanza began. I think the curt "we ate", while underscoring the voraciousness of self-centered thinking, could have been built up to somewhat. I pondered on what that buildup could have been, and the image I came up with was the fruit of that garden planted right from the beginning. That was a question I had after my first read through: We see the tendrils of the damned plant, but I wondered what its fruit would have been, if it bore fruit at all. There was a disconnect between those two stanzas, and I think that there needs to be at least something bridging them for the sake of flow.
The other thing is the ending. I actually really like the words and the timing of it, and I wouldn't change that, but as a reader I was uncertain how I should read them. Is it a muted, half-hearted condemnation? Is it a loud and boisterous insult befitting of Yankee boorishness? Is it sly but biting side comment? Or is it spoken to the self-centered eater? This, I think, is a problem of orthography. A punctuation mark more, an italic or boldface would go a long way as to reveal its true impact to the reader. As the musician would say, a strong ending to the song makes up for the errors committed in the course of the piece. But of course, that's my suggestion, and perhaps you might be inclined to tweak it differently.
Overall, I like the technicality of the piece and the vividness of it. I think the vision of the piece is clear, but I think there are certain parts that need some revision for a really ringing impact to take place. Thanks for the good read!
Cheers,
*Parsat