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About Literature / Student Premium Member Matt VoscinarMale/United States Group :iconda-poetics: DA-Poetics
 
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Honestly, if I could give you one hundred stars on this poem, I would in a heartbeat. The rhythm of this piece worked for me. I liked the choppiness and movement of the lines. I felt that the short bursts were stated sarcastic.

I disagree with changing the segment of "make me woman" entirely. I felt that this was one of the more powerful lines here. It makes woman(hood) sound like a foreign concept, which is exactly what it is to this lovely Representative. I also like it being on its own line. The visual things you did here worked wonders for me.

Overall, this is a poignant piece on a topic that we need to address more often: that our lawmakers do not have the simplest clue about women, and they are the ones making descisions through law. You have a career in political poetry, I swear it.
I could not feel your lips
but I swear they were made
of shrapnel.

There were bullet holes
in my memory somewhere
between the minutes
when I met you and when we kissed.

When I asked your name, I
I wanted to taste it -
the gunpowder and kickback that it was.

Time kills us all and
Pity is only a soft touch
from a crime scene, two bodies
laid out on the grass
like garbage.
Untitled
Critique Questions:

1) What do you get from this poem?
2) Does the extended metaphor work?
3) What would be a good title?
4) More? Less?
5) General comments on how to improve?
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Holy Crap I Got Published Again!

Journal Entry: Wed Mar 4, 2015, 7:46 PM
I was recently published in Ink Sweat and Tears, an awesome webzine over in the UK.  Some of you may recognize this poem from a while back. I still can't believe it. You should definitely take a trip to their website and read more amazing work. You'll thank me. 

www.inksweatandtears.co.uk/pag…


s k i n b y p y e k
1) The title gave it a way a bit, though the last segment of the last line went in a different direction than I expected.

2) I feel that it does. Although you've expressed that you want it to sound distant, that isn't the problem for me. My issue comes with the lack of anything tangible to hold onto. I understand you want to leave you readers hanging for the last line, but the poem doesn't have much that makes me stick around until that turn. I believe some solid imagery, exact quotes from the voices, some reaction from the character involved, or something more concrete would do a lot more for me.

3) Other than the comma before "too," this is grammatically sound.

4) I actually like the technique of single line stanzas.

As I said, I feel like this poem needs more concrete details in order to lead the reader until the end. You have a clear vision of where you want the poem to go, but nothing happens until we get there. Even though I like the technical aspect, the writing leaves me wanting more detail and something to make me care.

In the same breath, I feel that the final stanza is too clunky. You've added a lot of extra words that don't need to be there without adding anything of meaning. It sounds deadpan in a way, which isn't necessarily bad, but it doesn't do anything for this particular poem.
Endless beads of rain  
tap against the glass, begging
me to let them in.
Strangers at my Window
Another haiku I have been playing with. 

Critique Questions
1) How do you feel about the title?
2) Does this poem create a strong enough image? If not, what does it need? 
3) Does the last line seem lackluster to you?
4) What would make this poem stand out more? 
5) General comments? 
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MattVoscinar
Matt Voscinar
Artist | Student | Literature
United States
"Just because its personal, doesn't mean its not cliche" - Keith Buckley

My name is Matt and I'm a poet/hip-hop artist. You can find me in Masaryktown, Florida. I have just recently finished my undergraduate studies, receiving a BA in both Public Advocacy and Creative Writing. I plan on publishing a chapbook by the end of the year and then making my way to grad school for poetry.

I also run the group DA-Poetics here on DA at:
da-poetics.deviantart.com/
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:iconnawkaman:
nawkaman Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2015
Thanks for the fave. :)
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:iconl-inque:
L-Inque Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much Matt!  :)
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2014  Student Writer
No, thank you for participating! 
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:iconscherbenbyopium:
ScherbenByOpium Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014
Happy birthday (if dA is indeed correct in its dating).
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014  Student Writer
It was! Thank you so much!
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:iconrykathefox:
rykathefox Featured By Owner May 31, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
your words are breathtaking, astounding, and shook me to my very core, thank you.
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much! 
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:iconmyrethy:
Myrethy Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the favorite :glomp:
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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2014   Writer
Hey! Welcome to :icongrammarnazicritiques:!
I look forward to working alongside you :)
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:iconedges-to-everything:
Edges-to-Everything Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2014
Hi, Matt, welcome to the group!
:iconwe-write-to-escape:
We-Write-To-Escape

Details about our new Challenge/contest thing should be up by the 18th of April! :boogie:
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