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About Literature / Student Premium Member Matt VoscinarMale/United States Group :iconda-poetics: DA-Poetics
 
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Well hello again, abunai! Glad to find some new writing from you to look at. Let's see which questions I can help you with. 1) Did you ...

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1) The title gave it a way a bit, though the last segment of the last line went in a different direction than I expected.

2) I feel that it does. Although you've expressed that you want it to sound distant, that isn't the problem for me. My issue comes with the lack of anything tangible to hold onto. I understand you want to leave you readers hanging for the last line, but the poem doesn't have much that makes me stick around until that turn. I believe some solid imagery, exact quotes from the voices, some reaction from the character involved, or something more concrete would do a lot more for me.

3) Other than the comma before "too," this is grammatically sound.

4) I actually like the technique of single line stanzas.

As I said, I feel like this poem needs more concrete details in order to lead the reader until the end. You have a clear vision of where you want the poem to go, but nothing happens until we get there. Even though I like the technical aspect, the writing leaves me wanting more detail and something to make me care.

In the same breath, I feel that the final stanza is too clunky. You've added a lot of extra words that don't need to be there without adding anything of meaning. It sounds deadpan in a way, which isn't necessarily bad, but it doesn't do anything for this particular poem.
Endless beads of rain  
tap against the glass, begging
me to let them in.
Strangers at my Window
Another haiku I have been playing with. 

Critique Questions
1) How do you feel about the title?
2) Does this poem create a strong enough image? If not, what does it need? 
3) Does the last line seem lackluster to you?
4) What would make this poem stand out more? 
5) General comments? 
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A solitary
light- an upturned ship drifting
in the swell of night.
Waning Crescent
I've started trying to write more haiku lately. 

Feedback Questions:

1) Do you believe the image is cohesive with a crescent moon?
2) Do you feel the "swell" of night, being so close to "sea/ocean" of night is cliche?
3) General comments? 
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Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: ideologically sensitive material)
The ocean stirred –
pressed its foamy breath against
terracotta sands and birthed
a garden.

The stalks rose crooked
leafy fingers gnarled at the joint
and tried to grasp the sun.

We ate
as if it were our last meal,
gorged on our advancements, and marveled
in our own devices. We prayed
to ourselves and
worshiped at the body
worshiped at the mouth
worshipped at the flag

Your gods are filthy
all of them.
Birth of a Nation
Trying to get my thoughts together on the idea of individualism as a moral determinate. 

Critique Questions:
1) How is the imagery working here?
2) Does the idea of self-centered thinking create a clear enough cause for the last stanza?
3) Is the idea of self-centered thinking strong enough in general?
4) Is there anything I should add?
5) Is there anything I should remove?
6) What is your overall view on the piece?
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If I had known life was a clenched fist,
I would’ve taken that punch gratefully,
taste tested my blood, and breathed easy.
But, someone taught me
it is a soft touch, brush stroke,
They told me, “Everyone is special.”

But no one warned me
that my body doesn't care if I’m special
that the body breaks quicker than the mind
that the mind breaks quicker than the heart
that the heart breaks quicker than the lungs
that the lungs work until nothing else does.

There are dead men with more hope than
these bones. They crack like glass under pressure
and one day dream of being sand.

I can’t stop thinking about how I am going to
live. Every day I forget about the previous
as if I haven’t gotten older in years. My mind
does not wander, does not have a destination,
does not catch its breath after remembering
to slow down. It had just slowed down.

This junkyard heart keeps getting cluttered.
Soon, it will crash like the
chemicals and scrap metal it houses.

Doc, I’ve been breathing in boulders
that taste like tombstones –
it’s hard swallowing the names
I was forced to give up.

They won’t stay down,
like flood back up, spill out –
become oil slicks.

I’ve been trying to force them into my stomach
with oceans made of medication,
but they still float up to the surface.
So, I tried to reduce them to ash,
but they just smolder their on their own regard.

This burning in my chest
is sending smoke signals in my breath
that read something like goodbyes.  

Your last breath sounded a lot
like the ones I keep taking.
We Were Oil Slicks
A poem I've been working on for a while, inspired by a Facebook post by Andrea Gibson. 

Critique Questions:
1) I feel like there is something missing. What type of addition would round this poem out?
2) Is there fluid movement between stanzas?
3) Are the similes too much?
4) Is there anything you would remove?
5) What are some overall comments you have about the piece? 
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The Second DA-Poetics Contest is Under Way!

Journal Entry: Sun Oct 19, 2014, 9:13 PM
The title says it all, ladies and gentlemen! I have just opened up submissions for our second contest which revolves around politics. There are 6000 points and possible publication up for grabs, so make sure you submit!

da-poetics.deviantart.com/

s k i n b y p y e k

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MattVoscinar's Profile Picture
MattVoscinar
Matt Voscinar
Artist | Student | Literature
United States
"Just because its personal, doesn't mean its not cliche" - Keith Buckley

My name is Matt and I'm a poet/hip-hop artist. You can find me in Masaryktown, Florida. I have just recently finished my undergraduate studies, receiving a BA in both Public Advocacy and Creative Writing. I plan on publishing a chapbook by the end of the year and then making my way to grad school for poetry.

I also run the group DA-Poetics here on DA at:
da-poetics.deviantart.com/
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:iconnawkaman:
nawkaman Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2015
Thanks for the fave. :)
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:iconl-inque:
L-Inque Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much Matt!  :)
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2014  Student Writer
No, thank you for participating! 
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:iconscherbenbyopium:
ScherbenByOpium Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014
Happy birthday (if dA is indeed correct in its dating).
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014  Student Writer
It was! Thank you so much!
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:iconrykathefox:
rykathefox Featured By Owner May 31, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
your words are breathtaking, astounding, and shook me to my very core, thank you.
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much! 
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:iconmyrethy:
Myrethy Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the favorite :glomp:
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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2014   Writer
Hey! Welcome to :icongrammarnazicritiques:!
I look forward to working alongside you :)
Reply
:iconedges-to-everything:
Edges-to-Everything Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2014
Hi, Matt, welcome to the group!
:iconwe-write-to-escape:
We-Write-To-Escape

Details about our new Challenge/contest thing should be up by the 18th of April! :boogie:
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