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About Literature / Student Core Member Matt VoscinarMale/United States Group :iconda-poetics: DA-Poetics
 
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Honestly, if I could give you one hundred stars on this poem, I would in a heartbeat. The rhythm of this piece worked for me. I liked t...

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We are refugees  -
        displaced
   water droplets
running
     until we settle
into the earth.
Soaking
1) Does the metaphor work?
2) Does the length benefit or hinder the poem?
3) Does the spacing work?
4) Any general comments?
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The vision of the piece is its strongest asset. It's obvious from the title, to the last line, that you knew your topic and knew exactly where you wanted to go. You addressed a massive quantity of human emotions, which was obviously your goal.

Once we get into the further areas of critique, the poem shows where it can be improved. The theme of struggling is a popular one in poetry, whether it be emotional or physical. There are an endless numbers of situations that can make someone struggle and there are even more feelings that come from the act of doing so. Because of this popularity, it is critical that writers delve into the specifics in order to make their poem stand out. I did not see that here.

The things you are feeling are natural, but as a reader, the feeling must be connected to a reason. This piece left me with more questions than answers because you chosen I express vague ideas rather than concrete details. In order, these were the ones that came to me through my first read: why are you feeling anguish? Why are you feeling delight? Why are you so scared of tumbling and falling? What exact norms are being pushed on you? Why do you want to be undetected? Who is interrupting your thoughts? Why are you on he edge of safety? What danger are you in? What kind of "bone" do you wish someone would throw you? If you want to be undetected, what kind of connections do you want? Who is doing the rejection? Why is this important to you? Who is the "you" that you wish would listen? Why would ou be covered in gore?

Answering some of these questions will allow you to connect to the reader and give them something tangible to hold onto. I don't want to just know what feelings are there. I need to know what specific events led to them.

As far as technique is concerned, this poem is all over. The 4-2-4-2 stanza pattern isn't a problem, but there are lacking points in your transitions from moving from one thought to the next. The wandering mind segment is especially jarring, which made me rewind and reread, trying to find a connection. When this happens so soon in a poem, it creates reading issues throughout.

It is also obvious to me that you had a rhyme scheme in mind and you wanted to stick to it, no matter the effect. While this can work, this piece makes me assume you catered to the scheme too much and lost things you could've said because of it. I'd suggest abandoning it, because it does nothing for you and it detrimental to the overall writing.

I hope that you find this helpful. These topics are always the hardest to cover. Take some time to reflect on the "whys" within the piece. I believe it will do the poem a world of good.
Gloom, the cat my mother rescued
from meth addicts, sits at the front door
shrieking at the chipped paint.
Below her, on the welcome mat,
a carcass- matted fur and bones
and guts.

We are all mice
waiting for the teeth and claws
to leave us as a gift
unrecognizable and bloody
as the last.
And the Hunters Will Hunt
I wrote this after reading "A Republic of cats" by Marge Piercy. Feedback would be incredible. 

Critique Questions
1) What specific feelings or ideas do you think them poem is addressing?
2) Do the two separate stanzas compliment each other?
3) Is there anything that can be removed?
4) Do you feel that you need more information?
5) General thoughts?
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Vision - I'm giving you 3 stars here only because of your explanation. It's an interesting idea to have a hunter speaking to their prey in the form of a poem. It's a solid foundation that could be used to write a very interesting poem.

Originality - As far as the words themselves, nothing here is new. There was room for you to do something with the concept you came up with, but you've fallen into the trap of AA BB CC rhyme schemes that lend themselves to cliche. Hair with silk and white as milk and beast of the night have been used ten thousand times, if not more. Furthermore, without your comment there is NO WAY I would've known what this poem was about. I have no sense of who the speaker is, who is being preyed upon, or what is going on.

Technique - Your lack of rhythm is blatantly apparent, as Haegun pointed out in an earlier comment. There is a way to detract from traditional rhythms without making the piece read awkwardly. Other than the syllable distribution, your use of end stopped lines kills any flow you may have been able to salvage.

Impact - Because of the poor technique and overused metaphors and similes, this didn't have much of an impact with me. Without knowing what this poem is about, it reeks of a rape fantasy, which made me cringe as I was reading. I suppose that is somewhat of an impact...

You have a clever idea at the base of this poem. There are a lot of things you can do to improve it.

1) Free yourself from the rhyme scheme. It's constricting the writing.
2) Build some depth. As a reader, I need to know what's happening so I do not misinterpret the poem.
3) Get rid of the cliches and work on building original images.

I know this was brutal, but I hope that it helps.
There were bullet holes in my memory
somewhere between the minute I met you
and the second we kissed.

After my lips finished projecting
the payload of my father's favorite disease,
I could not feel yours,
but I swear they were made
of scattered shells.

As you whispered, "You poor thing"
on the edge of my ear,
I felt a war bristling
on the back of my neck.

When I asked your name,
for the third time,
I did not mean to shoot you down
or put a back-step into your barrel.

I needed to taste it,
the gunpowder that it was-
the gunpowder that it still is:
My throat is still ready
at a moment's notice for some trigger
to push it past breaking.

There was kickback
in a broken holster
from the caliber of our contact
and the residue of skin
on top of skin.

My friends, time kills us all,
and pity is only a soft touch
from a crime scene: two bodies
laid out on the grass
like garbage.
Violence After Dark
Poem I've been working on for years. I think I'm finally getting it where I want it. 

Critique Questions:

1) Does the extended metaphor work for this piece?
2) Is the writing too much? Is it cliche? 
3) Is there anything you would add or remove to improve the piece?
4) Any general comments or suggestions?
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MattVoscinar
Matt Voscinar
Artist | Student | Literature
United States
"Just because its personal, doesn't mean its not cliche" - Keith Buckley

My name is Matt and I'm a poet/hip-hop artist. You can find me in Masaryktown, Florida. I have just recently finished my undergraduate studies, receiving a BA in both Public Advocacy and Creative Writing. I plan on publishing a chapbook by the end of the year and then making my way to grad school for poetry.

I also run the group DA-Poetics here on DA at:
da-poetics.deviantart.com/
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:iconpaintedsunshine:
PaintedSunshine Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist Writer
Hi MattVoscinar! Just wanted to drop in and be the first to welcome you to the group :iconpoetryforall:!

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to either note me or one of the other admin. We will always get back to you as soon as possible. Aww

Also be sure to check in with us weekly for writing prompts and for our first contest! Contest details are now posted in the group journal and can be found at ~ Scripturient Scribbles (First Contest!) ~. We'd love for you to participate! Heart 

I look forward to reading some of your work and seeing you around the group! Hi!
PS - So sorry for the extremely late welcome!! ^^; Life has been getting away from me lately...
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:iconbraxton-t-rutledge:
Braxton-T-Rutledge Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2015
Thank you.
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:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
YOUR CAT :3 I love your cat in Instagram. What's his/her name?

Anyways, happy birthday :3
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2015  Student Writer
The fuzzy one is Gloom.
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:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
she doesn't look very gloomy to me xD
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2015  Student Writer
We named her after the Pokemon. 
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(1 Reply)
:iconnawkaman:
nawkaman Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2015
Thanks for the fave. :)
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:iconl-inque:
L-Inque Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much Matt!  :)
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2014  Student Writer
No, thank you for participating! 
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:iconscherbenbyopium:
ScherbenByOpium Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014
Happy birthday (if dA is indeed correct in its dating).
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