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About Literature / Student Premium Member Matt VoscinarMale/United States Group :iconda-poetics: DA-Poetics
 
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Honestly, if I could give you one hundred stars on this poem, I would in a heartbeat. The rhythm of this piece worked for me. I liked t...

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Vision - I'm giving you 3 stars here only because of your explanation. It's an interesting idea to have a hunter speaking to their prey in the form of a poem. It's a solid foundation that could be used to write a very interesting poem.

Originality - As far as the words themselves, nothing here is new. There was room for you to do something with the concept you came up with, but you've fallen into the trap of AA BB CC rhyme schemes that lend themselves to cliche. Hair with silk and white as milk and beast of the night have been used ten thousand times, if not more. Furthermore, without your comment there is NO WAY I would've known what this poem was about. I have no sense of who the speaker is, who is being preyed upon, or what is going on.

Technique - Your lack of rhythm is blatantly apparent, as Haegun pointed out in an earlier comment. There is a way to detract from traditional rhythms without making the piece read awkwardly. Other than the syllable distribution, your use of end stopped lines kills any flow you may have been able to salvage.

Impact - Because of the poor technique and overused metaphors and similes, this didn't have much of an impact with me. Without knowing what this poem is about, it reeks of a rape fantasy, which made me cringe as I was reading. I suppose that is somewhat of an impact...

You have a clever idea at the base of this poem. There are a lot of things you can do to improve it.

1) Free yourself from the rhyme scheme. It's constricting the writing.
2) Build some depth. As a reader, I need to know what's happening so I do not misinterpret the poem.
3) Get rid of the cliches and work on building original images.

I know this was brutal, but I hope that it helps.
There were bullet holes in my memory
somewhere between the minute I met you
and the second we kissed.

After my lips finished projecting
the payload of my father's favorite disease,
I could not feel yours,
but I swear they were made
of scattered shells.

As you whispered, "You poor thing"
on the edge of my ear,
I felt a war bristling
on the back of my neck.

When I asked your name,
for the third time,
I did not mean to shoot you down
or put a back-step into your barrel.

I needed to taste it,
the gunpowder that it was-
the gunpowder that it still is:
My throat is still ready
at a moment's notice for some trigger
to push it past breaking.

There was kickback
in a broken holster
from the caliber of our contact
and the residue of skin
on top of skin.

My friends, time kills us all,
and pity is only a soft touch
from a crime scene: two bodies
laid out on the grass
like garbage.
Violence After Dark
Poem I've been working on for years. I think I'm finally getting it where I want it. 

Critique Questions:

1) Does the extended metaphor work for this piece?
2) Is the writing too much? Is it cliche? 
3) Is there anything you would add or remove to improve the piece?
4) Any general comments or suggestions?
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Honestly, if I could give you one hundred stars on this poem, I would in a heartbeat. The rhythm of this piece worked for me. I liked the choppiness and movement of the lines. I felt that the short bursts were stated sarcastic.

I disagree with changing the segment of "make me woman" entirely. I felt that this was one of the more powerful lines here. It makes woman(hood) sound like a foreign concept, which is exactly what it is to this lovely Representative. I also like it being on its own line. The visual things you did here worked wonders for me.

Overall, this is a poignant piece on a topic that we need to address more often: that our lawmakers do not have the simplest clue about women, and they are the ones making descisions through law. You have a career in political poetry, I swear it.

Holy Crap I Got Published Again!

Journal Entry: Wed Mar 4, 2015, 7:46 PM
I was recently published in Ink Sweat and Tears, an awesome webzine over in the UK.  Some of you may recognize this poem from a while back. I still can't believe it. You should definitely take a trip to their website and read more amazing work. You'll thank me. 

www.inksweatandtears.co.uk/pag…


s k i n b y p y e k
1) The title gave it a way a bit, though the last segment of the last line went in a different direction than I expected.

2) I feel that it does. Although you've expressed that you want it to sound distant, that isn't the problem for me. My issue comes with the lack of anything tangible to hold onto. I understand you want to leave you readers hanging for the last line, but the poem doesn't have much that makes me stick around until that turn. I believe some solid imagery, exact quotes from the voices, some reaction from the character involved, or something more concrete would do a lot more for me.

3) Other than the comma before "too," this is grammatically sound.

4) I actually like the technique of single line stanzas.

As I said, I feel like this poem needs more concrete details in order to lead the reader until the end. You have a clear vision of where you want the poem to go, but nothing happens until we get there. Even though I like the technical aspect, the writing leaves me wanting more detail and something to make me care.

In the same breath, I feel that the final stanza is too clunky. You've added a lot of extra words that don't need to be there without adding anything of meaning. It sounds deadpan in a way, which isn't necessarily bad, but it doesn't do anything for this particular poem.

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MattVoscinar
Matt Voscinar
Artist | Student | Literature
United States
"Just because its personal, doesn't mean its not cliche" - Keith Buckley

My name is Matt and I'm a poet/hip-hop artist. You can find me in Masaryktown, Florida. I have just recently finished my undergraduate studies, receiving a BA in both Public Advocacy and Creative Writing. I plan on publishing a chapbook by the end of the year and then making my way to grad school for poetry.

I also run the group DA-Poetics here on DA at:
da-poetics.deviantart.com/
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:iconnawkaman:
nawkaman Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2015
Thanks for the fave. :)
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:iconl-inque:
L-Inque Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much Matt!  :)
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2014  Student Writer
No, thank you for participating! 
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:iconscherbenbyopium:
ScherbenByOpium Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014
Happy birthday (if dA is indeed correct in its dating).
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014  Student Writer
It was! Thank you so much!
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:iconrykathefox:
rykathefox Featured By Owner May 31, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
your words are breathtaking, astounding, and shook me to my very core, thank you.
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much! 
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:iconmyrethy:
Myrethy Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the favorite :glomp:
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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2014   Writer
Hey! Welcome to :icongrammarnazicritiques:!
I look forward to working alongside you :)
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:iconedges-to-everything:
Edges-to-Everything Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2014
Hi, Matt, welcome to the group!
:iconwe-write-to-escape:
We-Write-To-Escape

Details about our new Challenge/contest thing should be up by the 18th of April! :boogie:
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